Hey, just some freewriting to throw some perspective in my life and preserve awkward/vulnerable thoughts. I just read “I Can’t Tell You” by Hilary Frank (again). Wonderful book go read it if you like awkward teen love stories. I’ve always been a dork. Up to high school definatly. I feel I grew up alot and became who I am today during high school years. I was a huge dork in elementary school. Not talking about an average dork like the other kids who were cool dorks. I was a super dork. I did weird things like flick my tounge out when I thought no one was looking, make noises in class, hold my chair over my head in class, chase after kids with my shoes (holding them by the laces.) Occasionally cried when someone made fun of me or bullied me. (Not that crying is bad. Only in front of lots of people.) Anyway. I got to the point where I wanted to start dating. Just a little at first. Stupid dating that kids think is soooo serious. You know what? Not even that. Because I was still the dork. Not that I was, but I feel that’s the way people saw me. I was once told that I wasn’t “the dating material.” Though it was by a preppy girl, so it really didn’t bother me. But yeah, they lasted a few weeks at most. And they were months/a year apart. I’ve “gone out” with about 3-4 girls. We wrote notes back and forth, but nothing really came out of it. Once was actually a High Schooler 4 years older than me. =) But we really never saw each other but an hour during school and her parents didn’t like the idea of her “robbing the cradel”. (I never told my grandma about my love life. Ew.) Still see her in town sometimes… I’d like to say hi again. Probably won’t happen.
I hate math. Failed it in 9th grade. So I went to a boarding school. Then I met a girl. She was beautiful. We dated a few months. Got close. Got too close. Got caught. Got expelled.
High School
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Back at my old school, I started being a LOT more mature. Well, for who I had already been. I’d leveled up to geek.
[Watching the blinking typing line while thinking blink on and off is so mesmorizing...]
I didn’t really date much. One girl in 10th grade. She was really sweet. Said she liked geeks. We didn’t get super close, but it was refreshing to taste dating again I guess. To know that I was dating material. Don’t think I dated after that. I guess I just… got tired of the hassle. I put it off. Not that much came up anyway. I was content being just really friendly. I saw myself as a bit of a player. I’d sit down, and some girls would sit by me and wrap themselves around me. Made me feel really good. There was one girl I rode the bus with. She was cute and very comfortable with her self. I scored some feels a few times. I liked to tickle her until she ended up sitting on my lap. Then I’d hug her till I had to get off (the bus). She showed me her piercing too. Her down there piercing. When we were the only ones on the bus. I just stared at it and said “Cool…” *_* I’m such a dork. I could have done so much more. But whatever.I actually showed her myself too (Not that I have a piercing.) She was kinda more nervous about it (This was all on the bus.) So she just kinda touched the tip a bit and brought her hand back away. But I could tell she wanted to. Anyway, it didn’t really work out with her, I never actually planned on dating her anyway. (I know, I was horrible. Which brings me back to the girls I mentioned above.) They might read this so…
Dear girls, I really do think you are wonderful girls. I’m the jerk who was kinda using you to feel good about myself and try to get some then. Even though I didn’t. Of course.
Anyway, I definatly had feelings for these girls.
But that didn’t work out either. Not too many details. Essentially they’d cuddle with me and I wouldn’t tell them it made things hard for me. Even to this day, I talk to one of them a bit. It usually ends up sexual… Which I like at the time. But later, it’s disgusting. I really don’t want to be that kind of person. Especially after
I met another girl. Let’s go back to Junior High. I thought she was cute. That’s it. I wanted her for the wrong reasons. Hardly knew much about her other than she looked good and seemed pretty cool. Now back to High School. We were kinda friends, but until my senior year I never really hanged out with her. We were in a group together for a year long project. I was really glad I was in her group. I had gotten quite a bit closer to her. Though not as close as she was with other guys. Mainly the one she was ENGAGED to… Now this dissapointed me. 1. I feel it’s waaay too early for her to be engaged. 2. I didn’t know him. 3. It wasn’t me. She’d been with other guys before, guys that were really no good for her. Not that they were abusive or anything, but that they were real jerks. More than me. Anyway, I met with her every morning in the English class and brought her muffins. Don’t know how I started, but I think it just sorta ended up as our thing. Muffins. I’m sure the guy she’s engaged to is pretty cool, I’ve talked to him a bit. But what bothers me, is that she likes me. Not in a taboo way or anything, but that, if I had been a bit earlier, I might have had a chance. Whatever. After a few months of holding it in, I finally told her how I felt about her. She was fine with it, and it hasn’t hurt our friendship. I’m glad it turned out the way it did. But I do still wish she would have waited until later… That’s just me. I’m sure she knows him well and loves him very much. They seem happy together, which is very good. I’m pretty much over it now, though I still have feelings. I realize that I need to stop thinking about her so much and get on with my life. I wan’t obsessing over her, but I’d think about her a lot. I dunno. She helped me a lot.
But now I’m graduated. Love is different now. Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of a lonely teen boy! Knock first!
